According to the U.S. Census women were paid only 77 cents for every dollar a man earned last year. This makes no sense to me. Not because I believe in equal rights for women and men. (I do.) Not because I believe women make an incredible contribution to corporate America. (Although I believe that too.) It’s because, in general, women’s lives are more expensive than men’s lives.

Just today two of my coworkers told me about disagreements they were having with their partners over money. One was a man who can’t understand why his fiance; won’t stay within their household budget. The other was a woman whose husband thinks she’s fiscally irresponsible. They argued when he saw what she had spent at the salon.

“What does he think?” she asked. “That I can show up at the club in a new tennis skirt and hairy legs? I need regular waxing.”

I started thinking about how men just don’t understand how much money it takes to be a woman. How could they? Most of the men I know are bald or well on their way. They don’t need to cut and color every six weeks. They don’t wear makeup. They don’t seem to be as exhausted as the women I know. So they probably don’t have to spend as much at Starbucks. Men can get by with one pair of shoes. Women couldn’t possibly.

And what about the things we need to buy even though we’d rather spend our money in other ways? Both men and women buy underwear. But only women need to spring for bras. And then there are nylons. What a waste of money they are. Even if you opt for opaque tights instead of hose, they too eventually run and need to be replaced. And the ultimate injustice? Tampons! It is completely unfair that we have to spend money on something so unpleasant. Plus, they’re expensive. I think they should be government issued. Maybe if Hillary is elected, we can get her to sign a bill into law. You can’t tell me that if men menstruated the government wouldn’t subsidize tampons.

So do I want equal pay for women? Hell yeah. But for now I’ll settle for life, liberty and free feminine protection for all.