What do you do when you find out those things that can't be explained, have an explanation?

It has been a year since I visited my doctor with the question, "What is wrong with me"? Yes, there is more to that then just that one question. 

In January of 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Shocking, it was a total shock to me. I began medication and things started to seem to get better. However I was still deeply depressed and events that happen in the coming months after that also contributed to what I know as an up-coming nervous breakdown. 

January wasn't so bad, other then the diagnosis and the start of medication. February, my grandmother passed away the day before Valentines Day! I found out on Valentines day that my beloved Grandmother died. Not only was she in a place that she didn't want to be, but she was alone. Needless to say I was devastated. The next couple of months were ok, I was getting better with my medication. There was finally a peek of the old me, the person I use to be.  The girl who wasn't afraid of anything and never let anyone bring her down. Or so she thought.

May, my almost 7 year relationship with the man I thought was "The One" ended. It ended by me coming home from class and sitting down to my computer, turning on the monitor and viewing a page open from the program notepad.  A letter stating that this person who I loved, was in love with, did not love me. He did not love me for a while, was in the relationship for a long time because he felt "Sorry" for me? What the flick right?

Yeah, he finally mustered up the courage to tell me this. Not only that, I was ok because I helped out around the house with the cleaning and taking care of his daughter. That's right, I took care of his daughter for most of those years, in fact most of the time he had little involvement. 

Do we sense bitterness, maybe just a little?  This however was a major factor into what is going on right now with my life. Brings me to the self realization of who I am and what I want to do.

Moving out was ok, I did most of the moving by myself, I only had to ask him and his sister for help on a few other things. I tried to stay friends, I don't know why, perhaps for the sake of the little girl, did not work out so well. New women coming into his life and there was no room for me in it at all, as a friend an acquaintance anything. What do you do when you still love a person? I couldn't just shut off my feelings as it seemed that he had been able to do.

Moved out and spent a couple of months in a roommate situation, I can't say it was another bad decision, just another one of those haste made decisions and wasn't thought through. Big part of being bipolar, doing things without thinking.

Through this time I started a friendship that will last forever. I found my best friend. You find solitude and solace in places and people that you never thought you would.

Coming to terms with having to deal with a great loss, Bipolar gets a person thinking of the past, things that cannot be changed.

I can’t sit here and tell you every detail of what it is like to live with a constant internal struggle. You start questioning everything you think, say and do, in every aspect of your life.  Things are sometimes clear and other times very foggy. You will wake up feeling happy and joyous; you will feel like you are on top of the world. Quite literally you will feel as if you can fly! Sounds crazy, but in an irrational mind, how can you give a rational explanation to the things that you can see yourself doing and not be able to do anything about.

I began an intense duel mixed state. I was at a high and at the same time I was a low. Though, not always at the same time, I can say now that I was climbing higher then any other time I had before.  Now, I feel the crash, crashing hard this time. What is different about this time? I have friends and people around me this time that care. Care enough to bring me 1200 miles away from a comfort zone, as to not see me go into hospitalization or even worse, something that would not only be painful to myself but several people that love and care for me.

What do you do with a mind less ordinary? That question is the question I’m on a search to find the answer too.