What have I done?
I have turned something so trivial into something so huge.
But it wasn’t trivial to you, it was already huge.
What an ignorant bastard I was.
And now, now I lose the one I love.
Now I lose everything that you are because I am stupid. I am dumb.
I love you.
I won’t ever not love you.
And I ask myself 10 times a minute how could I do this to you?
How could I hurt the one I love?

But fuck this.
The shit you are putting me through now makes what I did bland in comparison.
You need space?
You need time?
Don’t call you, you’ll call me?
What the fuck is this bullshit.
I made a mistake.
Now you are intentionally making me feel like I am below nothing.
Did you forget that the reason you know wasn’t because of my horrible actions but because someone hates you?
Is there a reason why I’m wearing this stone around my ankle?

They have broken us up.
Your past…you can’t run away from it and now you’ve dragged me in.
I will go after her.
Not for you, I would’ve gone for you half a tub of ice cream ago,
But for me. To maintain My dignity.
They called me unworthy
Now you are calling me unworthy
Who do you think you are?
What gives you this power over me?
The power to make me beg?
The power to control my feelings, my thoughts, my stomach even.
I am never unworthy.
To believe that would be to believe that I was born unworthy which is useless and flawed

But go ahead, prod at my imperfections.
I am no less of a human because of it.
When I got into this mess you call a relationship, I gave up everything I was before
You claim I haven’t changed at all when I act like this
Like this!
Ha!
Acting ‘like this’ is a mere shadow of who I used to be
A kiss meant nothing to me
A few words even less.
It was a part of my nature
And there are some parts that are a little harder to get rid of than others.
But I don’t suppose it matters that I’m trying,
No,
Because my Fuck up Is the end of the world.
Obvy.

Do not tell me I don’t have a right to be angry.
Not after crying, not after throwing up, not after living in limbo for hours while my best friend is telling me the fate of my life is being toyed in the hands of someone who thinks that everything I am is bullshit.
I SWORE after him I’d never be controlled again
But hey…this kind of feels like it

Do I deserve it…I suppose that’s the million-dollar question here
At first I believed I did. I believed, just as she made me believe, just as you made me believe, that this defined me, that I was no more than this conversation, that I did nothing for you, that I was really, a horrible girlfriend.
Not so much anymore.
Now I see it a little differently.
Now I see the girl who was literally sick when she thought your life was in danger and again when she thought she’d lose you
Now I see the girl who has never been the most spectacular girlfriend who has actually Tried for once to be that
Now I see the girl who hates everything that lives and breathes because when she was made to feel like dirt by YOUR past, you took your past’s side.

No I guess you never saw it like that though, after all, they did you a favour right by pointing out what I did?
Because their best interests are in your favour?
Oh yeahhhhh I forgot they were trying to ruin your life.
Or maybe you forgot that.

I feel like I’m living in one of those horror novels where the girl always wished magick would exist and then finds out it does, but the black magick is kicking the white magick’s Ass.

You know I’m sorry.
And now, you’re probably angry that I am angry.
What do I have to say to that?
Not a fucking lot.
I’m angry so I’ll stop crying.
It’s the only thing that protects me from you.
And I wish it all never happened.
I wish it five thousand times over
Because I love you,
I never wanted to hurt you,
I’m trying and I slipped up.
It’s obviously bigger than that I know.
But in the end, that’s it.
You were mine, I don’t know if you are now.
It’s funny to think that this morning we were talking about you coming to university with me.

Yours fucking truly,
Taylor